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What Surprised You the Most?

“What was the thing that surprised you the most in your journey after pregnancy or infant loss?”

This is the question I have been asking my social media followers.

Over the course of the month, I have received a lot of answers. It has been really validating to read the mix of emotions that have come up for others in their path to healing.

Today it is my turn to share my answer:

The thing that surprised me the most was the level of fear and anxiety that popped up in my next pregnancies.

Actually, not just in my next pregnancy, but even after my rainbow daughter was born.

The fear of losing another pregnancy, another baby, was crippling.

So crippling in fact, this picture of me is the only picture I have ever posted while pregnant.

I didn’t want anything to “jinx” it.

While the anxiety and fear took me by surprise, so did the feelings of isolation.

I remember sitting at my baby shower, a ball of nerves and not one person could sense it.

Everyone else was filled with excitement and joy and there I sat, sweaty hands on belly praying my daughter was moving.

My baby shower, a day I had wished deeply for was a surprisingly hard day.

In a room full of people who loved me and my soon to be daughter, I felt very alone.

Shockingly isolated.

Not one person turned to me to say, “I get it” or “I can relate.”

Because (luckily!) they couldn’t.

But I really wanted someone to empathize that pregnancy after loss is hard. And scary. And joyous…so, so joyous.

Pregnancy after loss is surprisingly ALL those things.

People who haven’t experienced pregnancy or infant loss have a hard time understanding the range of emotions that can come up.

That is why I posted the range of “surprises” that where shared with me this month. I want people to begin to see what life after pregnancy or infant loss can look like.

Life after loss can look so many surprising ways. There is not one way and there is no right way.

If you have been surprised in your path to healing, know that that it is normal.

Know that you are not alone and there are some of us who can relate.

I would love to hear your story and what surprised you. Let’s connect.

 

 

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