In Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day

These are the words from a mother who has experienced the profound impact of pregnancy and infant loss. I will be sharing more stories throughout the month of October, in honour of Pregnancy & Infant Loss Awareness Month.

Paige Miller’s Story:

Our trying to convince journey started in December of 2015. On our first month trying we ended up pregnant. Unfortunately at our first scan we found out that I was having a missed miscarriage. We waited a few months to try again.

We then found out I was pregnant in August 2016. Unfortunately this pregnancy also ended with a miscarriage. This time we decided not to wait, and got pregnant the next month, November 2016. At our first scan the baby finally had a heartbeat. Things were going well, baby was healthy, and we even found out we were expecting a boy. At 27 weeks we were devastated to find out that our little boy, William James no longer had a heartbeat. He was born still on April 21, 2017. I had to deliver a 1lb 14oz, 13 3/4 inch sleeping baby, in the labour and delivery unit at the hospital.

We had to make decisions we never thought we’d ever have to. What funeral home we wanted to send his body to, will he be cremated or buried. How many hours we wanted to spend with him. Decisions you shouldn’t have to make when it comes to your child. How do you just leave your baby behind?

When we left the hospital we had to get into the elevator with a happy couple and their living baby. All I got to hold was his memory box. Over the next few weeks I recovered from child birth and grieved. The first few weeks, and especially days are very blurry. We went for pregnancy and infant loss counseling, and I attended monthly caring beyond meetings. Thankfully during this difficult time we had wonderful family support.

Through our loss of journey I have become a different person. Our families, as well as the friends I did keep, accepted the new me with open arms. You learn who your true friends and family are, and who were just there for a part of your journey. I have also gained a lot of new friends who understand and I can be myself around. My relationship with my husband strengthened, and I feel like we can get through anything. There have been some silver linings through our loss but…..

I feel sadness and longing for my little boy every day. I couldn’t stand being around pregnant ladies or small children. I was obsessed with getting pregnant again. People still saying inappropriate things I.e. “you can try again”, “you’re still young” or the worst “it wasn’t meant to be”.

I have since had a successful pregnancy resulting in my rainbow baby. This was a very stressful pregnancy and I required closer care to help my stress level stay lower. I lived in fear every day that my baby wouldn’t make it.

I’m grateful that our little girl Ellie Victoria, is fighter and that I’ve gotten to know and raise her for these past 4 months.

I still attend peer groups for loss and pregnancy after loss. There are a lot of supportive loss moms I’ve met, and we have become a tribe ❤.

I miss you baby boy, thank you for sending us your sister 👣❤ 💝🌈.

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